Commitment…as a wife, parent, friend, colleague

I’ve been thinking about commitment a lot over the last couple of weeks, as my eldest child turned 18. I made a commitment to him from the moment he was born that he would always come first. And I really hope that I’ve always kept that promise. That promise didn’t mean he always got what he wanted, or that he liked everything I said or did, but I meant that he was always a the forefront of my choices and plans.

And now that he’s turned 18, that commitment doesn’t end. And because he has 2 siblings that commitment doesn’t change. I have to change to adapt to putting my children and their individual needs first, and work out the compromises that need to be made. Within that, I also have my commitment to my husband. He is my best friend and my partner for life. He will be along side me long after all our children have flown the nest. My commitment to him is to keep investing in us through the tough times as well as the great times.

Anyone who truly knows me, will know that I give my 100% commitment to everything that I do. Be it friendship, work, hobbies, faith, life. That is a core part of who I am. As a result I don’t have a huge circle of friends, but those I have I give everything to. A lunch or coffee date will take priority as I give them my time. I know how much someone giving their time to me like that matters to me, so I value it when I give it to others too. Yes this can set me up for hurt, but it is a core part of me.

My commitment to my younger children means commitment to the menial tasks like making meals, sterilising bottles, providing them with a safe home environment, feeding them, clothing them. But it also means a commitment to being there forever. You can’t turn off being a parent just because they reach a certain milestone, but you can change how you relate and behave.

So take your commitments seriously. Especially to other people. You are probably unaware of how much others value it.

What is ok and what is not?

100 Quotes on Life that'll Bring Alive a New You & Change You Forever!!

One of the things I have found in the last few weeks and months is that my perceptions of what is ok and what isn’t are changing. Some of this is through psychotherapy, some of this is through experiences, some of this is through talking with friends.

I have seen things posted on line and shared in several places that are unhelpful and unhealthy. Images and quotes that have made me doubt myself, my opinions and my decisions. Things that have made me question those around me. There are 2 things I really need from those around me at the moment….consistency and loyalty.

When I say this, I don’t mean in a pompus, clique-y or sorority type way. But I mean in a way where I know who I can and can’t rely on. What is going to be stable in both mine and my families lives. What is going to be helping lay the foundations for who I am becoming.

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I’ve also seen things about who to rely on. And that online support is unhealthy, is unreal and is living in a fantasy world. For me, in reality, some of my friends that I know mainly in an online or digital capacity are some of my greatest support. Some of them I have met once, some of them I have met several times, and some of them I have never met, but they are their to support me, to encourage me and to help me achieve the best in who I am. They counsel me and help me process, in the same way that friends I see face to face do. In fact, some of those who are digital friends are the people I see frequently face to face. But that doesn’t mean that those who I have never met are worth any less.

With my depression and anxiety, friendships are hard to maintain. I know that they take a huge level of understanding from my friends and my support network. People need to know that I need to know who I can trust and when and where I can rely on them. If people let me down, then I will walk away as the energy that relationship takes from me needs to be invested in my family and other relationships.

What’s worse though, is that I know I am not the only person experiencing this. For many of my friends with a baby under 1, friends have become a rarity. People aren’t being bothered to take the time to invest in them now their priorities have changed.

New mums need the support the most. Whether it be a new mum for the first or the fifth time. Every new small person into a household mix takes their mum away from the “normality” that existed pre baby. But that doesn’t stop the mum from caring. It is then that she needs it more, but has it the least. So be a friend. Don’t stop caring cos one day you’ll try to care and it will be too late.

Depression Quotes and Sayings About Depression _ HealthyPlace

 

Allergies take 3! (and more!!)

Check out KFA's _22 Things We With You Could Understand About Food Allergies__

People asked when I was pregnant, what was the chance of the baby having the same allergies as my toddler. It really was 50/50. 2 weeks in, and we already had the first bit of the answer….3 out of 3 children had CMPA. A dairy allergy. In a space of 6 hours I watched my contented baby turn into a miserable, writhing in pain little girl, producing nappies that were not “normal”.

I was so grateful that I had a supportive Health Visitor, who straight away put  my daughter on to the NHS allergy pathway, with a referral to the dietitian, and we made an instant appointment with the GP.

But one thing we didn’t know was how severe her allergy to cows milk protein was, or whether it would be her only allergy. What we did know was that this meant that weaning was going to have to be the allergy led method again. Following on from dietitian advice, we started with our son’s known “safe” foods, trying to build up a base of foods, before testing some of his allergens.

I’ll never forget the day I went for the first of his known allergens. I was nervous. Knowing that this could cause my daughter pain or worse, was not a great feeling. But I had to do it. We were lucky. The first one we tried was apple, and all was ok! Phew! And we tried that because it is added to so much that it was a bonus if she could have it. Maybe I then thought it wouldn’t be so bad or my mind just thought lets go for it, but I then tried another allergen. This time it was one where my son was allergic to  a whole food “family”. The first time seemed ok, so we went on for attempt 2. That night, we did not get much sleep. She was so unhappy. In pain, drawing her legs up, crying, unsettled. We thought it was the sweet potato, but to be sure, we had to try again a week or so later. And yes, it happened again. One little girl, very unhappy. And so her allergen list started.

What we have found is that when she has gut based reactions, they are generally more severe than her brother’s. For example, she can’t tolerate even medical grade coconut products, but her brother can. She can’t tolerate any fish we have tried, her brother can tolerate white fish but not oily fish. She can’t even cope with peppercorns or ground pepper from the nightshade family, he can cope with a little.

But we’ve also got a little girl that doesn’t like to have lumps in her food. After 3 months of introducing food, she will finally have a bit of texture, but this has been an additional challenge. The dietitian recommended focusing on textures over new foods, as this was more important, so the introduction of new foods has gone on hold. We’ve got many more things to try.

So it’s actually been trickier this time round. We don’t have all the answers for our daughter yet and we don’t know if it will be worse than our son or better. But we know it’s currently a very similar path. If we go away, even for 1 night, we take 2 bottles of antihistamines, 2 inhalers, snacks and milk for both children, probiotics to help their guts. The list goes on. Currently there is no epi pen in the kit, but that doesn’t mean their won’t ever be. I’m just grateful that neither has had a reaction that needs one.

So, life as an allergy mum continues. And the one thing I am grateful for is the fact that if nothing else I can be a support to others who are journey some of a similar path.

Check out KFA's _22 Things We With You Could Understand About Food Allergies__ (1)

End of another phase

This week marks another key point in my parenting journey. My maternity leave is coming to an end. I’m really not sure how i feel about it. Mixed emotions i think.

I adore my job. I’ve said this many times,and I’ll keep saying it. I love my job, the charity I work for, the work we do. It’s also what makes a huge difference to my mental health. But on the flip side,this means my daughter is growing older. She’s going to be going to a child minder. She’s now closer to a year than to birth. She’s been growing in the big wide world for almost as long as she was growing inside me.

I have loved my 9 months of being mummy and mum. I’ve loved watching my children grow. Watching my teenager flourish in his first year at college. Watching my toddler gain more independence. Watching my baby grow and learn.

Knowing i will not do this parenting journey again has made me even more aware of every milestone. Each new thing. Each change in appearance. Each ounce of weight gained. Every smile, every tear. I hate the thought of missing anything,but also know i need to step out of this safe bubble.

But this realisation has also been a bit overwhelming. It hit me hard, especially as it coincides with returning from a fabulous holiday this week, and a big change in weather. I’m trying to make sure I stop and refocus,but in reality at times that’s hard. So for now I’m focusing on things I can manage and control. Deep breaths and move a step forward.

Realising what is causing damage

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One of the things that I have started to realise over the last few weeks, is that there are certain things that trigger emotions and reactions within me that I don’t expect. I have realised that some people live in their own bubbles and miss what is going on in other peoples’ lives. Sometimes this is intentional, and sometimes this is completely unintentional. And this really sucks.

It makes me put up barriers in relationships as I take personally things that were never intended to be personal. That were written without any thought of me. And that is ok. That’s how it should be. But I need to find a way to cope with this and to accept that these are not aimed at me.

This has also made me more aware of what I share and how it can be perceived by others. It’s about remembering not everyone has the perfect relationship, had the perfect childhood, has the best relationship with their parents. Not everyone gets their happy ever after. Some people have to kiss a lot of frogs. Some people are having to discover who they are. I am still having to discover who I am.

At the moment the only way I can cope with this is to put barriers up and shut myself away. Cut myself off while I re-evaluate where I am at, and give myself time to recover. And I know that this then confuses people. It isn’t easy to explain to anyone, it’s just how it is at the moment. I don’t always understand it myself. I just know when it happens that I cope the best way I can at the moment.

This week I have had to deal with a middle of the night panic attack for the first time ever. It was scary. I don’t know what caused it and I didn’t know how to manage it, but I managed to get myself back under control after a couple of hours. The only way I have been able to cope since is to stay where I feel safe – my home. I have seen a couple of people, but in my space. I know I will have to face the fear of going out again soon, but that battle is for another day. The anxieties running through my head some days are crazy! They are often irrational. They are almost always unfounded.

I can’t explain the ins and outs of PND for everyone, or say how each individual will be affected. All I can say is what affects me. For me anxiety and obsessive and controlling behaviour are 2 of my big “symptoms” of the post natal depression. I don’t understand why, and i really don’t understand the nuances of it at times – why the position of a knife in the kitchen drawer will drive me crazy, but i’m ok putting away a sock without a pair for example. It’s illogical, and I know it is illogical, but it is how my body is and I am having to learn to manage it.

Writing this blog helps me express where I am at. At times I struggle to vocalise it, even to my amazing husband. But I can write it down. My only hope is that my musings and downloading of how I’m feeling helps someone else out there.

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A fine line….

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I’m discovering how there is a really fine line between me feeling up and me feeling down. I often don’t know when I am close to teetering over the line. I am starting to recognise the triggers though. As I posted a few days ago, I have had a really positive few days. But I also knew that this didn’t mean I was permanently back on the up.

This afternoon I have felt myself sliding back down. Parenting three children (and yes my teenager is still my child) is a juggling act. As I have said before, all 3 have different needs and demands on my time. This week I have been having to manage a toddler who has had an allergic reaction to another food. As a result, he has been crabby, clingy and just not himself. Juggling that with a 6 month old who is trying to reach further, move more, do more, but constantly toppling, and also needing greater input and awake for longer, has been exhausting. The break in the madness was then going out for half an hour to pick up the teenager! But all of this, combined with an early start, and a full on, but highly enjoyable day before, has dragged me back down.

I am still having to learn where to draw a line and give myself a break. When I topple over the line, I find myself getting into bad, negative cycles. I start to compare myself, my life, my children with those of others. I compare with friends, with relatives, with strangers who post in random places on social media. I get myself down because I feel I am failing my child(ren) because they are not achieving their maximum potential.

I struggle because my baby isn’t keen on eating, when my friend’s child who is younger will chomp through 3 meals. I struggle because my toddler isn’t as eloquent as other children his age. I struggle because I can’t do with my children everything I feel I should. I struggle because I don’t want to leave the safety of my house. I want to stay in my safety blanket. I know I need to find space to stop and take a break when this happens, but it is finding the safest way to do that.

I know I made a mistake when I got to a similar point when my toddler was younger. I cut myself off from people completely, and nearly lost completely some very valuable friendships. This time I am trying to get the balance right. To be able to take a step back without cutting everything off. I’m still not always getting it right, but I am trying, and I am learning.

I hate the struggles that PND gives me. I hate the impact it has on my life at the flick of a switch. But I am learning that I there is a trigger, and I am trying to stop the switch being flicked.

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6 months in and I’m starting to feel a bit more normal!

Newcastle Family Life_ What it was like suffering from PND

This week saw the 6 month mark since I gave birth. In the last month we’ve started to have some big changes…..she’s moved out of our bedroom,she’s starting trying food, she’s sitting up unaided. But for me the biggest change has been one that I’ve felt in me. In the last couple of weeks it’s started to feel like the horrid fog that is brought down by the postnatal depression is lifting a bit.

I’ve actually started to feel real joy in things again, rather than the forced feelings that weren’t genuine but were what I knew I should be feeling. I’m actually finding that spending time with my children is becoming an enjoyment again and not a chore. That might sound awful, but that is the reality for so many parents. Enjoying time with my toddler, my teenager, my baby, is something that had become a distant memory, and is  now something that I am starting to enjoy again.

This doesn’t mean that everything has suddenly got easier. It really hasn’t. Going out can still be my biggest cause of anxiety, and the easiest thing to find an excuse for. Finding the energy to do much else is still a struggle. Feeling like all I can do is sleep some days is still very common. But it’s small steps.

Over the weekend I have deliberately used my energy to do some small “jobs” that needed completing at home. I have realised over the last couple of months, that there are certain areas in the house that it helps me if they are ordered and tidy. I hate not having the energy to keep on top of it all. Unfortunately, this can trigger my OCD and my anxieties. Knowing things aren’t away in their place, where I have created a process and a plan causes me more stress. However, rather than tackling this when it is small, I can let it become a bigger problem. For me, recently, my bedroom has been this area. The pile of clothes and bits at the end of the bed has got bigger and bigger, and the stress in my head about it has got bigger and bigger. So I have tackled it, but know that now I can relax more. But I also know I will now want to make sure everything is in the right drawer etc, and will struggle when things are out of place.

Frustratingly it really is a catch 22. And I know it’s something that people don’t understand. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is that….it’s a disorder. There is no explaining why I need things to be in a certain place in a drawer, and why I find it so stressful when they aren’t. It isn’t logical. Boy do I wish it was! I hate it. I hate that I can’t escape it or explain it.

The other thing I am realising, and having to come to terms with, is that this is going to be a new “normal”. Normal won’t be going back to how I used to be, but it is about mean learning to live with who I am now, and that this version of me is likely to be around for a long time. Until I have accepted this version as the here and now, and stop trying to mask it, I can’t expect others to accept it. They will keep thinking the performance is the reality.

So I will keep going with this new normal.

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