Looking after me so I can be there for them

One of the things that I have realised over the last few weeks is that as much as I focus on keeping my mind healthy i’ve not been keeping my body healthy. I’ve used far too many excuses to cover the quantity of chocolate I can consume in an hour. I’ve had days of eating in secret, binging when I feel out of control and then hating the weight creeping up and the waistbands getting tighter. I knew that the only time I would ever actually make an effort to stop the bad habits was when I was ready and I wanted to do it for the right reasons.

It’s like any life change, you can only make them when you are fully in the right head space and fully motivated for the right reasons. In the last year I have seen people I have known many years, and very close to me in age, lose their battles against horrid illness. This has spurred me on to make sure that the time I have with the family is the best possible, and also to be the best mum and wife that I can be. To be this I have to take care of my body. So I have started a journey. It will not be a short one, it needs to be a life changing permanent journey.

I know from past experience that it will be a journey where I will deviate at times. I know it will be a journey where I struggle to put one foot in from of the other on some days. I know on other days I will be running down the road calling everyone to come and join me. It is a life journey. But I also know for me that this is also a faith journey. It’s me trusting God that He will be with me in the lows and celebrating in the highs.

In the last few weeks there have been some big waves rocking the boat that is “life” and instead of looking to God and my faith, I went to chocolate, slovenly behaviour and blaming others. I have to remember that there is a bigger plan and a bigger person that knows and cares and loves me. He loves me no matter what, but I know that I hold a responsibility to. And that responsibility starts with loving myself in a healthy way. I will be the best of me and my Heavenly Father is in that with me.

Frustrations and warmed by generosity

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I’m sure I’m not the only one for whom this image is a good depiction of when you are trying to just do a “normal” food shop at the moment. Not to stockpile or panic buy. Just to do a normal food shop.

For us, it hasn’t even been to do our main food shop – which is normally twice a month. This has just been as a result of trying to do a top-up shop and also to try and place my normal monthly online shop for delivery next week! As a result of stockpiling and panic buying, we have been struggling to purchase the bare essentials for our children to eat. What’s worse, is that these are mainly specialised foods – non-mainstream long-life milk, special flour, gluten-free bread. Free from chicken nuggets?! I know that there are others with allergies needing food, but we all shop normally and we always can buy what we need. For the shelves to be empty of these products it either means those with allergies are stockpiling, which from what I’ve seen in discussion groups is unlikely, or those without allergies are now buying the free-from products.

For us, this is not a case of we like to buy the more expensive, free-from options. These are the only foods we can buy without our young children getting really ill. And I know we are not the only ones who have been affected by this. There are friends around the country saying that they are struggling to buy the free-from products they or their children use.

But the flip side of this is we have seen a huge outpouring of love from friends and family as they try to help us source the food and milk we need. We have had deliveries just appear on our doorstep. Friends and family near and far stepping up to offer help. We are so grateful.

The other element we are having to face at the moment is a little boy who thrives on routine and his normality is having his “world” turned upside down. We all know these are for good reasons, but for children with various additional needs, these changes are causing huge problems. I know friends who are having to go into isolation with their children for 12 weeks as it’s for one of the family member’s best interests. I have several friends that this virus for them or a family member would likely be fatal. So we know these measures are necessary. However, for some of us, it is harder than others.

For us, this has meant we needed to set up a Lego play space for our little boy. As I have mentioned before, lego is the one activity that calms him and helps him focus. But with him sharing a bedroom with his 15-month-old sister, this is tricky. So for now, she will only go in their room for sleeping. We will keep her out of the room the rest of the time, as she is still frequently putting things in her mouth. This isn’t ideal, but we’re having to make things work.

I’m investigating online toddler group and activity sessions with songs etc so that we can watch to keep him engaging with others. Life is going to be a strict learning curve for sure.

I’m just asking that people moving forward stop and think about what they are doing, saying and sharing. Keep to the government facts. Stop and think, do you really need to keep an online shopping slot reserved every week for the next month? Do you have a neighbour that needs help? What can you do to make life easier for others?

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A start of a long journey

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Today was an interesting day. It was a day where we started to get some answers, but at the same time threw up a million more questions. It’s also been a day that has, for me, thrown up lots of different emotions, which I am still processing.

So today it was confirmed that our fabulous 3 year old boy has significant developmental delays. And keeping in with the honesty of my blogging about parenting over the last three years, I am going to keep sharing in here as we navigate the next few days, weeks, months and now we know years. For me one of the key things that people should take away from this is that our son is our beautiful, loving, caring son who brings us  so much joy. Also these posts won’t be for sympathy or pity but they are my way of processing, plus hopefully something I write might help and inspire other parents on a similar journey.

So where are we at…..

Today the tests showed that our son is 12-18 months delayed in most areas of his development, although one area he is 24 months delayed. This means we have a very frustrated little boy at times, who wants to be able to do the same as his friends, but finds it hard or at times impossible. Today also was a reality check in that there is no quick fix. There are various therapies that can support different parts of his development, but this isn’t going to be a case of a bit of treatment and he will be achieving the goals for a child of 3 years and 2 months. Some therapies will have a bigger impact than others. Some things that are tried may not make any difference.

Do we know the cause?

In a quick answer….No. But there are some suspicions or theories that need to be investigated and will be looked into over the coming months. We do know that my placenta failed before he was born and that the impact of this would not be known until he started (or failed) to reach milestones. But nothing can be confirmed or eliminated as a cause. It might be one of those permanently unanswered questions in life!

Whats next?

Appointments, appointments and more appointments! Juggling work, life, parenting and appointments is going to be my new challenge. But it will all work out. Making sure our daughter gets the time she needs too will also be key. We will just have to switch priorities if needed.

If you’ve got this far, then thank you. If you’ve got questions, ask, and we’ll answer if we can. And just keep being normal with us! He is our amazing boy and we will help him be the best he can be at being him!

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Asking for help is totally ok!

Yesterday evening I read the sad news that Caroline Flack, a 40 year old TV presenter has taken her own life. While she made mistakes in life, the press and society seemed to make more out of her troubles than try to help her. And how many of us read the stories or saw the pictures of her falling around drunk?

But more than this…. why as society do we make it so hard for people to ask for help? She should have had everything to live for, but she also obviously felt like it wasn’t enough. It’s so hard to hold your hands up and say you struggle. I know that from personal experience. No, today I’m not suicidal, but 24 years ago I was. I was at that lowest point. And I didn’t know that I could ask for help. Society didn’t talk about mental health. In fact I was made to feel ashamed about taking an overdose. I was made to feel like I was the problem. It took another 20 years to be cold enough to start talking about my battles with anxiety and depression.

Being there at the lowest point, feeling like you have no other option, is a dark lonely isolated place. Unless you’ve been there it is hard to understand. People look at the life you project outwardly, and assume that that is the whole picture. They love the rose tinted perspective they see. Today it’s like the social media portrayal that people put out. Only show the best and the positive or the humorous bits.

But life isn’t like that in reality. Really isn’t black and white. It’s blue, green, pink, grey, yellow and many more colours. And while for you, yellow might be positive, for the person next to you it might be negative. Rather than assuming that they see what you see, take the time to stop and to smile and to ask how they are and what they see! Those words our actions might be the thing that changes their day from a negative to a positive!

And if today you’re the person who is feeling that the world is black, hard and pointless, then please also remember you are not alone and there are people to help. Life is a hard road to travel, but there are some amazing highlights even on the darkest days.

High functioning….in control??

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A friend shared this image this week and it really resonated with me, and I found it suddenly explained why people perceive me the way they do, and how come I come away feeling so exhausted at times!

One of my biggest realisations, as i’ve shared before, was that I am an introvert and not an extrovert, but I think this chart is close in helping me understand more about how and why I function like it do.

I will admit I am a huge over thinker. I am always thinking the worst or 5 steps ahead of where I am today. I am trying to stop this as much as I can. It really challenges my faith at times, and is the one place where I do just have to take a deep breath and pass it all over to God.

People pleasing is a big thing for me. I want to keep everyone else happy, even when I end up frustrating or compromising myself in the process. I am starting to say no to people and know that that is ok, but this is all interlinked with setting boundaries. Setting boundaries in some situations is easier than others. I have started to believe more in my self worth and know, especially in relationships, that I am worth more and that I shouldn’t accept being treated as anything less than my worth. I have realised that true friends and those that really matter treat you with the value you are worth.

People seeing me as outgoing and helpful have at times abused these traits to over burden me and to keep asking for themselves and taking from me, not seeing the bigger picture. But it also means there is a protective smoke screen I hide behind.

I really identify with the fear of failure. I hate letting people down. I hate doing a project that doesn’t work out. Even when giving birth to my eldest, my final incentive was to deliver him naturally, as anything else in my head at that point was failure. (I know in reality that it wouldn’t have been, and just having my baby here would have been enough, but that is where my head was at.) Even now fear of failure runs through how I work, and how I respond to things. It’s linked to people pleasing and wanting to keep everyone happy. But to colleagues I am seen as hard working and detailed, and helpful.

Don’t get me wrong, I do pay attention to detail and I do work hard and I want to be helpful, but when my anxiety is high, or one of my triggers is hit, I almost go into these traits in overdrive.

So is this list or chart a negative thing or a positive thing? I think for me it is positive, in that it is helping me to understand more and more about my anxiety and how it affects my life on a daily basis. My anxiety attacks are getting fewer, but there is always an underlying level of anxiety in day to day living.

But my anxiety currently isn’t always controlling me any more. I’m not always controlling it, but i’m more in control that I have been. I am high functioning within my anxiety, and I know many others with anxiety that are too, and that is also ok. But I am also trying to learn that showing the weakness is also ok.

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One small comment that makes you think ‘Ouch!’

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Today I experienced something as a parent that left me feeling uber protective, vulnerable, frustrated and like I was having to justify my son to a stranger.

It started with an innocent question, “what is the age gap between your two children?” but the reaction to my response of “two years” was one that really needed to have been ‘checked’. It was a look of total astonishment, followed by “really?” Yes, really. And this reaction wasn’t because she thought there should be a bigger gap. The reaction was because she thought, from observing the 2 children for an hour that morning, that it would be less.

Our amazing son has Developmental Delay. Currently we don’t know exactly what it is or what has caused it for sure, but we are trying to find out to get him the help and support he deserves through life. Don’t be sorry for us or him. This doesn’t stop him being a total delight. It doesn’t stop him being himself and having a wonderful personality and drive. In fact it makes him more determined.

We’ve not advertised it, because we don’t see it as an issue. We have told those who need to know and those who are close to us and form our immediate support network. But we’ve noticed it is becoming more obvious, especially when he is round his peers. And comments like today’s are starting to occur. So all we know is that he has definite developmental delays.

Do we know why? There is a strong possibility it is linked to the fact that my placenta failed at the end of my pregnancy with him. We know he was not getting all of the nutrients etc that he needed for at least the final 2 weeks he was in the womb. But we don’t know for sure.

The thing I would say, is next time someone says something like this to you, please don’t apologise to them, and try to hide your shock. Their child will still be their pride and joy and will celebrate smaller milestones in a much bigger way!

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12 months gone in a flash

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12 months ago I entered hospital knowing within the next few days I was going to become a mummy again for the last time. I knew I was going to meet my little girl. But I also knew I could be looking at another long induction, I knew there were risks, I knew so much, but I also knew nothing. I knew nothing of this little girl that had been growing inside me for 38 weeks. I had struggled to bond with her during pregnancy as i’d felt minimal movement all the way through. I had hated the pregnancy. I wanted that part to be over. But I was also excited. I was excited to meet this little person.

In the end, she decided that she was going to make a quick arrival into the world. So quick the midwife didn’t have time to make any notes or observations! My daughter’s birth set the pace of the last 12 months.

Nicknamed “small but mighty” she fought every battle she came up against in those early weeks and months, and let the world know she was a fighter. She has ruled the roost at home and made it very clear who is the boss to her brothers!

The year has been one full of bittersweet moments for me. I have adored every moment as she has grown and developed from a tiny tiny baby, to a dinky toddler (and I can call her that as she’s now walking!) But i’ve also had this sadness knowing that I won’t have another baby going through these milestones again. I’ve been battling with this, as it seems so selfish. I know there are so many out there who would love just one child of their own, and I have 3. But I also know I had a desire to have 3. I know how much I love being a mum and how at times I feel I miss out on things because I am a working mum.

This year I have carried guilt at feeling like I’m wishing days away while I was looking forward to returning to work. Then feeling guilty for being at work. I’ve had days when I just want those moments to keep going and never stop. I’ve tried to capture them in words, pictures and in my heart. The time seems  like it has slipped past without me noticing.

In these 12 months I’ve also become the parent of an adult! And now when I look back I feel that there are many moments of my son’s life I have missed. I feel like there are memories I am already forgetting. It’s reminded me how time with my children is so precious whatever stage they are at. I want to value and hold each second and cherish it. But I also want all my children to reach their potential at every stage of their lives and fly high in whatever way that is.

Parenting 3 is something I resolutely vowed I would never do, but actually I think it’s working ok. I’m not always getting it right, and I am always feeling mum guilt over one or other of my children. People ask is 3 easier than 2, harder than 2? Honestly…..3 is different to 2. Some days it is easier, some days it is harder. But every day is a memory I hold on to.

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Small things that can do lots of damage

Yes I’m talking about words. What you speak can do so much damage. And the damage can last much longer than you ever realise. Knowing I’ve upset or hurt someone with my words intentionally or not plagues my mind for days. Similarly being hurt by the words of friends can take weeks or even months to go away. Or even if you think the hurt has gone, it doesn’t take much to resurrect it.

I know that there are times currently where I can be more sensitive to what people say, but I also know my closest friends are aware of this. But that hasn’t stopped people saying things without thinking. Little comments about how my children are dressed, or a mark on their faces or that I’ve not wiped their nose instantly could all upset me. It left me, and still can leave me, feeling judged.

But I’ve also witnessed how social media especially means words can be really damaging. I’ll never forget how it felt when I was single but desperately wanted not to be, and I had friend after friend posting they were “in a relationship with” or “engaged to”. And while I was happy for them, it could be hard to read.

Pregnancy announcements could be the same. Knowing how others could be hurting because of their own situations that you or I are not aware of made me be very cautious. And again while I will celebrate with friends in their joy, it doesn’t take away the pain. This pain, hurt, jealousy, etc isn’t new, but before social media it was easier to manage. You can only control to a point what you can see when you log in.

I do share on social media, but I choose who I share things with. Not everyone can see everything I post and that’s my choice. I choose who sees lots of images of my children. I choose who can see my blog post notifications. I choose what I post generally. And I carry the responsibility for those choices.

Commitment…as a wife, parent, friend, colleague

I’ve been thinking about commitment a lot over the last couple of weeks, as my eldest child turned 18. I made a commitment to him from the moment he was born that he would always come first. And I really hope that I’ve always kept that promise. That promise didn’t mean he always got what he wanted, or that he liked everything I said or did, but I meant that he was always a the forefront of my choices and plans.

And now that he’s turned 18, that commitment doesn’t end. And because he has 2 siblings that commitment doesn’t change. I have to change to adapt to putting my children and their individual needs first, and work out the compromises that need to be made. Within that, I also have my commitment to my husband. He is my best friend and my partner for life. He will be along side me long after all our children have flown the nest. My commitment to him is to keep investing in us through the tough times as well as the great times.

Anyone who truly knows me, will know that I give my 100% commitment to everything that I do. Be it friendship, work, hobbies, faith, life. That is a core part of who I am. As a result I don’t have a huge circle of friends, but those I have I give everything to. A lunch or coffee date will take priority as I give them my time. I know how much someone giving their time to me like that matters to me, so I value it when I give it to others too. Yes this can set me up for hurt, but it is a core part of me.

My commitment to my younger children means commitment to the menial tasks like making meals, sterilising bottles, providing them with a safe home environment, feeding them, clothing them. But it also means a commitment to being there forever. You can’t turn off being a parent just because they reach a certain milestone, but you can change how you relate and behave.

So take your commitments seriously. Especially to other people. You are probably unaware of how much others value it.

What is ok and what is not?

100 Quotes on Life that'll Bring Alive a New You & Change You Forever!!

One of the things I have found in the last few weeks and months is that my perceptions of what is ok and what isn’t are changing. Some of this is through psychotherapy, some of this is through experiences, some of this is through talking with friends.

I have seen things posted on line and shared in several places that are unhelpful and unhealthy. Images and quotes that have made me doubt myself, my opinions and my decisions. Things that have made me question those around me. There are 2 things I really need from those around me at the moment….consistency and loyalty.

When I say this, I don’t mean in a pompus, clique-y or sorority type way. But I mean in a way where I know who I can and can’t rely on. What is going to be stable in both mine and my families lives. What is going to be helping lay the foundations for who I am becoming.

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I’ve also seen things about who to rely on. And that online support is unhealthy, is unreal and is living in a fantasy world. For me, in reality, some of my friends that I know mainly in an online or digital capacity are some of my greatest support. Some of them I have met once, some of them I have met several times, and some of them I have never met, but they are their to support me, to encourage me and to help me achieve the best in who I am. They counsel me and help me process, in the same way that friends I see face to face do. In fact, some of those who are digital friends are the people I see frequently face to face. But that doesn’t mean that those who I have never met are worth any less.

With my depression and anxiety, friendships are hard to maintain. I know that they take a huge level of understanding from my friends and my support network. People need to know that I need to know who I can trust and when and where I can rely on them. If people let me down, then I will walk away as the energy that relationship takes from me needs to be invested in my family and other relationships.

What’s worse though, is that I know I am not the only person experiencing this. For many of my friends with a baby under 1, friends have become a rarity. People aren’t being bothered to take the time to invest in them now their priorities have changed.

New mums need the support the most. Whether it be a new mum for the first or the fifth time. Every new small person into a household mix takes their mum away from the “normality” that existed pre baby. But that doesn’t stop the mum from caring. It is then that she needs it more, but has it the least. So be a friend. Don’t stop caring cos one day you’ll try to care and it will be too late.

Depression Quotes and Sayings About Depression _ HealthyPlace