12 months gone in a flash

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12 months ago I entered hospital knowing within the next few days I was going to become a mummy again for the last time. I knew I was going to meet my little girl. But I also knew I could be looking at another long induction, I knew there were risks, I knew so much, but I also knew nothing. I knew nothing of this little girl that had been growing inside me for 38 weeks. I had struggled to bond with her during pregnancy as i’d felt minimal movement all the way through. I had hated the pregnancy. I wanted that part to be over. But I was also excited. I was excited to meet this little person.

In the end, she decided that she was going to make a quick arrival into the world. So quick the midwife didn’t have time to make any notes or observations! My daughter’s birth set the pace of the last 12 months.

Nicknamed “small but mighty” she fought every battle she came up against in those early weeks and months, and let the world know she was a fighter. She has ruled the roost at home and made it very clear who is the boss to her brothers!

The year has been one full of bittersweet moments for me. I have adored every moment as she has grown and developed from a tiny tiny baby, to a dinky toddler (and I can call her that as she’s now walking!) But i’ve also had this sadness knowing that I won’t have another baby going through these milestones again. I’ve been battling with this, as it seems so selfish. I know there are so many out there who would love just one child of their own, and I have 3. But I also know I had a desire to have 3. I know how much I love being a mum and how at times I feel I miss out on things because I am a working mum.

This year I have carried guilt at feeling like I’m wishing days away while I was looking forward to returning to work. Then feeling guilty for being at work. I’ve had days when I just want those moments to keep going and never stop. I’ve tried to capture them in words, pictures and in my heart. The time seems  like it has slipped past without me noticing.

In these 12 months I’ve also become the parent of an adult! And now when I look back I feel that there are many moments of my son’s life I have missed. I feel like there are memories I am already forgetting. It’s reminded me how time with my children is so precious whatever stage they are at. I want to value and hold each second and cherish it. But I also want all my children to reach their potential at every stage of their lives and fly high in whatever way that is.

Parenting 3 is something I resolutely vowed I would never do, but actually I think it’s working ok. I’m not always getting it right, and I am always feeling mum guilt over one or other of my children. People ask is 3 easier than 2, harder than 2? Honestly…..3 is different to 2. Some days it is easier, some days it is harder. But every day is a memory I hold on to.

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Allergies take 3! (and more!!)

Check out KFA's _22 Things We With You Could Understand About Food Allergies__

People asked when I was pregnant, what was the chance of the baby having the same allergies as my toddler. It really was 50/50. 2 weeks in, and we already had the first bit of the answer….3 out of 3 children had CMPA. A dairy allergy. In a space of 6 hours I watched my contented baby turn into a miserable, writhing in pain little girl, producing nappies that were not “normal”.

I was so grateful that I had a supportive Health Visitor, who straight away put  my daughter on to the NHS allergy pathway, with a referral to the dietitian, and we made an instant appointment with the GP.

But one thing we didn’t know was how severe her allergy to cows milk protein was, or whether it would be her only allergy. What we did know was that this meant that weaning was going to have to be the allergy led method again. Following on from dietitian advice, we started with our son’s known “safe” foods, trying to build up a base of foods, before testing some of his allergens.

I’ll never forget the day I went for the first of his known allergens. I was nervous. Knowing that this could cause my daughter pain or worse, was not a great feeling. But I had to do it. We were lucky. The first one we tried was apple, and all was ok! Phew! And we tried that because it is added to so much that it was a bonus if she could have it. Maybe I then thought it wouldn’t be so bad or my mind just thought lets go for it, but I then tried another allergen. This time it was one where my son was allergic to  a whole food “family”. The first time seemed ok, so we went on for attempt 2. That night, we did not get much sleep. She was so unhappy. In pain, drawing her legs up, crying, unsettled. We thought it was the sweet potato, but to be sure, we had to try again a week or so later. And yes, it happened again. One little girl, very unhappy. And so her allergen list started.

What we have found is that when she has gut based reactions, they are generally more severe than her brother’s. For example, she can’t tolerate even medical grade coconut products, but her brother can. She can’t tolerate any fish we have tried, her brother can tolerate white fish but not oily fish. She can’t even cope with peppercorns or ground pepper from the nightshade family, he can cope with a little.

But we’ve also got a little girl that doesn’t like to have lumps in her food. After 3 months of introducing food, she will finally have a bit of texture, but this has been an additional challenge. The dietitian recommended focusing on textures over new foods, as this was more important, so the introduction of new foods has gone on hold. We’ve got many more things to try.

So it’s actually been trickier this time round. We don’t have all the answers for our daughter yet and we don’t know if it will be worse than our son or better. But we know it’s currently a very similar path. If we go away, even for 1 night, we take 2 bottles of antihistamines, 2 inhalers, snacks and milk for both children, probiotics to help their guts. The list goes on. Currently there is no epi pen in the kit, but that doesn’t mean their won’t ever be. I’m just grateful that neither has had a reaction that needs one.

So, life as an allergy mum continues. And the one thing I am grateful for is the fact that if nothing else I can be a support to others who are journey some of a similar path.

Check out KFA's _22 Things We With You Could Understand About Food Allergies__ (1)

Realising some people don’t have a clue!

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One of the things I have had to do in recent weeks and months is learn that it is ok to put up barriers and set boundaries. This is actually healthy. I’m also learning how much I need to value and respect myself and my time. This has meant I also now know that my friends should be respecting and valuing me in the same way, and they should be placing a level of value on my time.

Sadly I have also realised that some people don’t do this. I know that all people are fallible. I know that we all make mistakes. I’m certainly not saying that I don’t make mistakes or upset people. But I have realised that trust and respect come hand in hand, and both have to be earned and maintained. Once it is tossed away, the damage can be irreparable.

My priorities have to be my faith, my family and myself. My self care includes making sure I surround myself with those who are building me up and not knocking me down. This doesn’t mean only surrounding myself with people in positive happy moods – in fact, I have been able to be a support to others while working through things for myself. And knowing I can be, really does help. But what it does mean is making sure that those who are in my life add value in one way or another.

For example, I have an amazing network of support that I have talked about before, thanks to a group of mums I met online who all gave birth at the same time as me. They are there pretty much 24/7. They know me so well and can build me up on my down days, celebrate with me on the good days, and make me laugh most days! The time I invest in them is so valuable to me and I know they are there.

But I have also learnt that some physical friendships are more one sided. I have learnt that my expectations of people and their commitment to time and relationship building can be different to the other person. And because of the loyal person I am, I have ignored this, but I didn’t realise the damage that this was doing. So I am now trying to be selfish in someways and say this isn’t healthy for me.

People say “talk it through with them” or “they may not know what they are doing”, and I totally understand that this is often true, but  the place I am in at the moment means I don’t have the energy for the confrontation or the emotional space for it.

I know this post could be seen as “controversial” or stirring the pot, but as ever my blog is honest and where I am at. I won’t be answering people who ask “Is it me?” in response to this, as actually that will show how little they have taken in.

Life is a cycle of seasons. And friendships can move in those seasons, and that is 100% ok.

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Making choices cos they are right for us all

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While we were on holiday my husband and I managed 2 date nights! It was fabulous having a slow dinner out, walking, talking and just spending time together. We made time to have conversations that went beyond what was for dinner, or how the children had been. We stopped and chatted about us, about what we wanted for ourselves and each other.

We discovered that we need to talk more, as there had been something we had both been thinking about, but not talking about because we thought that the other would object. Instead we both agreed. We chatted with our teenager, who also agreed, and so, as a family of 5 with 2 under 3, we are going to move!

Chatting it through with friends while we were away also helped. It helped us see if we were being rational or if we were in a holiday bubble. It also gave us space to make some calls and see where everything is at.

We need more space….mainly bedrooms, as we have discovered that the toddler and the baby can’t happily share. He can take a while to settle, but is then is a very deep sleeper. But while he’s settling he makes a racket! She is the opposite. Falls asleep very quickly, but is then quite a light sleeper. Having your big brother playing loudly round you is not conducive to a good sleep!

But it’s more than that. We need a home that works for us both now and in the future. We need a place we know we are planning on being our forever home (at least we really hope it will be!!) The ties to where we are now have gone, and we are free to go where we feel we should be.

How long will it take? We don’t know. Where will we be? Royston we hope.

But we are journeying this next adventure together and all our family will have fun!

Realising what is causing damage

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One of the things that I have started to realise over the last few weeks, is that there are certain things that trigger emotions and reactions within me that I don’t expect. I have realised that some people live in their own bubbles and miss what is going on in other peoples’ lives. Sometimes this is intentional, and sometimes this is completely unintentional. And this really sucks.

It makes me put up barriers in relationships as I take personally things that were never intended to be personal. That were written without any thought of me. And that is ok. That’s how it should be. But I need to find a way to cope with this and to accept that these are not aimed at me.

This has also made me more aware of what I share and how it can be perceived by others. It’s about remembering not everyone has the perfect relationship, had the perfect childhood, has the best relationship with their parents. Not everyone gets their happy ever after. Some people have to kiss a lot of frogs. Some people are having to discover who they are. I am still having to discover who I am.

At the moment the only way I can cope with this is to put barriers up and shut myself away. Cut myself off while I re-evaluate where I am at, and give myself time to recover. And I know that this then confuses people. It isn’t easy to explain to anyone, it’s just how it is at the moment. I don’t always understand it myself. I just know when it happens that I cope the best way I can at the moment.

This week I have had to deal with a middle of the night panic attack for the first time ever. It was scary. I don’t know what caused it and I didn’t know how to manage it, but I managed to get myself back under control after a couple of hours. The only way I have been able to cope since is to stay where I feel safe – my home. I have seen a couple of people, but in my space. I know I will have to face the fear of going out again soon, but that battle is for another day. The anxieties running through my head some days are crazy! They are often irrational. They are almost always unfounded.

I can’t explain the ins and outs of PND for everyone, or say how each individual will be affected. All I can say is what affects me. For me anxiety and obsessive and controlling behaviour are 2 of my big “symptoms” of the post natal depression. I don’t understand why, and i really don’t understand the nuances of it at times – why the position of a knife in the kitchen drawer will drive me crazy, but i’m ok putting away a sock without a pair for example. It’s illogical, and I know it is illogical, but it is how my body is and I am having to learn to manage it.

Writing this blog helps me express where I am at. At times I struggle to vocalise it, even to my amazing husband. But I can write it down. My only hope is that my musings and downloading of how I’m feeling helps someone else out there.

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Getting ready for the next stage

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One of the things I am really struggling with at the moment is every time someone tells me that my little girl is growing up. I know that she will be my last baby, and so in someways I want to make all of this time last as long as possible.

In 2 days time she will be 7 months old. That is more than half of her first year gone, and I feel at times like I have missed so much of the first few months. I am constantly trying to capture in my mind and my heart each moment, as I know I can never have them again. While I am celebrating her moving on in her development, part of me keeps feeling ‘Not yet’! Part of me isn’t ready yet for her to start being mobile, becoming more independent, needing me less.

And I know that some of this is a long long way off.

My toddler still needs me daily. My teenager needs me – but not as much as it feels like I need him. And my daughter needs me. I know she does. But I also know that she doesn’t always miss me like I miss her. I know that none of my children do.

My husband and I joke about my behaviour when I am apart from my teenage son for any period of time. I feel like I have lost an arm or a leg. I find it really hard. I struggle with letting go, as I can still remember holding him in my arms nearly 18 years ago, and  realising that this small person was suddenly totally dependent on me.

I struggle with how willingly my toddler runs off to his childminder – and only because she is so amazing at what she does, and he absolutely adores going. But I struggle because it is a time in his week when I am not needed.

At the moment I am struggling with the idea of returning to work. I love my job. I have really enjoyed my Keeping In Touch days. I adored the day I had back in the office a couple of weeks ago. I love my colleagues. I love what we do. But I am struggling with the idea of not being there for my daughter all day every day. It’s irrational, I know. I know she will be having an amazing time with our wonderful friend and childminder. I know I can touch base whenever I need to. But I am struggling.

What I have realised is that I am human, I am normal. I am not superwoman. I am allowed to feel like this. Loving my children is the hardest but the easiest thing to do, and each stage require me to let go a little bit more.

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A mouth smile and not a heart smile

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I’ve been honest before about my struggles with depression and post natal depression. I wasn’t truly surprised by being hit with it again this time around, but I have been surprised by how hard it has hit me, and how it has affected me in different ways.

This time it really hit me hard. I had days where all I could do was cry. A black cloud had come down, and it wasn’t shifting. I started retreating more and more into myself. Not communicating with people and wanting to be in my own safe bubble. I also felt my anxiety levels shoot up and I became  worried about so much. From little things like what my children were wearing and what people would think, to bigger things like what would happen if…. and imagine extreme situations. And then on top of it all my need to control and have things in an order I can cope with have spiraled.

This time I have taken the step of medication. Small tablets that have the power to stop the tears falling daily. But they have also had the power to stop other emotions too.

I have been really struggling to connect with the joy that I should be feeling with my children. I have struggled to rejoice in all the positives. It has been heartbreaking when I have been smiling at my daughter, as it helps her learn to smile, but they have been mouth smiles, not heart smiles. Celebrating milestones has never been a struggle before, but this time it is, and it hurts.

At the same time I am struggling to connect with my toddler, and struggling to find time for my teenager. They all need me. They all have their own needs as children, and as a parent, my role is to meet those needs. But at the moment I know there are days when I can’t. My husband is amazing, and he does so much, but I also know I am not meeting his needs at times either. My parenting guilt has never been greater than it is at the moment. I constantly feel like I am failing them.

But I have learnt that I also need to prioritise. I have learnt that while for some, going out daily helps, for me, being busy is exhausting. I need to find the balance. I need to know I have people I can see when I am able, but that they also know if I don’t see them, or respond immediately, then it is nothing personal. It is just me trying to prioritise me and my family. I have discovered an amazing online support network. Other mums who gave birth around the same time, that I can connect with as and when I am able. But they are there even at 2am! I also have friends I can see when I am able, but who also understand if I have to say ‘Not today’.

I have been lucky. My GP and health visitor have been supportive, and are helping me with next steps and moving forward with a long term solution, but it’s not going to be a quick and easy fix. This cloud can thin and clear a bit, but it may never completely go away. I’m not sure how I feel about that, but I don’t have a choice.

What I have discovered is that my job helps. It makes a difference. In the last few weeks I have started doing some of my keep in touch days, and they have helped me refocus and find a bit of who I am again. I also know that I need to make sure that I can get the balance right in September when I go back to work fully.

Right now I need to focus on me. And on being the best mum I can be to my 3 children. Meeting all their needs at all their different stages in life was never going to be easy, but I can only do the best I can. I carry mum guilt round on a daily basis, and wonder if all I can do is enough, but I can only be who I can be.

I don’t ever write my blog for sympathy, but I write it to show others that they are not alone, and to help me process where I am at. I also know it is how some people find out what is going on for me, and I am sorry that for some this is how they find out, but at the moment I can’t always talk it through. I have a small number of people I am able to talk about this with, and if that is you, then thank you so much for listening and being there. Especially when it can be one sided. And if it’s not you, then I am sorry. Please don’t take it personally, it’s just how I am coping.

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