Today I have loved seeing posts on social media from family and friends as the big September return to school starts. 4 years ago today I shared the post of my eldest as he started secondary school. But I’ve also found the start of this week emotional. Today I labelled up his school uniform for the last time. We went out and bought the stationery to cover a mass of subjects for the last time.
Tomorrow my son starts his last year of secondary school. He’s starting this year taller than me! He’s starting as a Senior Prefect. He’s only got just over 2 terms of school left. Next month we are going to look round his potential sixth form college. We’re talking about choices that will have an even bigger impact on his future.
I know he’s growing up, and enabling him to become the independent young man he has become I see as one of my greatest roles in life. He’s an amazing son, friend, big brother, leader, discipler. But he’s also in many ways still my baby. He’s the baby I held in my arms seconds after he was born. He’s the boy I’ve picked the pieces up of after accidents, the boy I’ve cuddled on the tough days and celebrated with on the good days.
I’m sending him out to school tomorrow confident that however hard the next few months are, he will certainly give it his all, and do it with us and God on his side. So yes I’m going through some “lasts” but we are also going towards the next season of “firsts” and I am excited for him and what his future holds.
Yup that’s me. An outgoing introvert mum. And I’ve discovered it has its upsides and its downsides. It’s a tough balance to get right, especially when juggling the normal small baby tiredness that comes with having a 3 month old, plus the needs of a 15 year old and still trying to spend time with your husband. And on top of all of this I need to find some me time.
Going to mother and baby groups where I know few or no other mum’s is exhausting for me. I know that it’s good got my little boy though. I have to decide which groups I invest time and energy in, and which I say no to. I also now know to make sure in every week I have at least 1 day where I can just chill at home and do nothing if I need to. It’s not that I’m not committed to groups but sometimes I’ve learnt that I just need to be selfish.
Some weeks even chatting online with my mummy friends can be exhausting. They are often my lifeline too. I feel guilty sometimes because maybe I’m not always my true self when I’m with them. I put on my “be confident and ready to share and participate” face before starting antenatal classes but it’s hard, and at times tiring, trying to carry on being that person now.
Yes at times my confidence level is low. I can doubt myself. I can, and do, doubt my parenting skills. I worry about fitting in. I stress about being accepted for being me with every new situation. And all of this then exhausts me.
I’m struggling to get the balance right in my life. I need to be mum to a teenager, mummy to a baby, friend to my friends, and wife to my husband. I also need to be me.
I think the next year or so and beyond will be me continuing to battle to get the balance right. I’ll struggle some days. I won’t always get it right. Sometimes I talk to much cos I’m nervous. Sometimes I put my foot in it. And then I go home and beat myself up over it! But I keep learning.
I wouldn’t be without my family for anything. I just need to keep finding me in the chaos.