Comparisons hurt…. and they can do lasting damage

I chose to walk away from a group chat earlier today because people were comparing what their children could and couldn’t do. I find this really hard on so many levels. I feel like I’m having to justify why I feel like this.

In know society is full of comparisons and oneupmanship but that doesn’t mean I think we need to bring this on to our children. It is one thing saying you are concerned about your child’s development. It it’s another entirely when you feel you have to prove your child is as good as the next one or better. Each child will develop in their own time. Some will speak, some will walk. Some will write, some will perform. Some will love science, some will love music. Some will be all rounders. Some will have a very specific skill. Some will need help to get their development happening. Others will do it an looking time before their orders. All are perfect the way they are.

I’m also aware that maybe I’ve been blessed by my friend circles in the past or maybe just attitudes have changed more recently, but there seems to be less around celebrating the milestone, big or small, that your child has achieved, and more about have they done this thing by this date.

As a parent of two children with very different sets of additional needs I’m even more aware of the damage that comparing can also do to the mum. For a mum to hear than another child’s doing more and better than theirs it can be so painful and destructive to their confidence. The stress it can add to the parenting journey is huge.

As a parent, when your child is the one that’s not hitting the same achievements as other children the same age it is hard.  You start to doubt yourself, your parenting, your instincts. One thing I had to learn was that they do it when it’s right for them.

I was very blessed that the nct group’s I was part of with both of the pregnancies with my boys were incredibly supportive. Both groups celebrated the achievements if each child and joined one another in support rather than it being a big competition. In fact with my second son, they were all as keen as I was to set my son achieve the next weight gain! They cheered us both along.

Yes there are concerns that your child has “problems” and that that need help. But there are also people around to help identify that. And don’t be afraid to ask for help. You know your child. You know if they are happy. You know them and who they are. You are also the one that needs to champion them. You need to celebrate them and every little thing they achieve. Let them know that being them it’s very definitely enough. Being the best of themselves is all I ask of all my children.

I will always struggle hearing others comparing their children, because it highlights where I have a child who is different. I would much rather celebrate one child’s achievement, rather than the minute i hear “xxx can do this” i know that it will be followed by “well yyy can do this and this”. I’ve been told that it’s natural and i have up accept it will happen. Yes it will happen but that doesn’t mean i have to like it , agree with it, or participate in it.

If only it was that simple to stop your mind comparing…

One of the things you always hear as a parent, and something I try my hardest to follow, is ‘Don’t compare your child to others.’ And when you have a child with additional needs, this is even more important. Their milestones are their milestones, and they reach them when they get there. But that doesn’t stop human nature.

You will always get the comments comparing siblings or friends’. You will get the well meaning person who says “they’re not that far behind” or the other person who says “well they are special”. But you also always have the little voice in your head, that triggers emotions when you see children of the same age doing tasks that you know you child is not capable of and won’t be for a long time.

The last 8 weeks that have been “lockdown” have highlighted some of those differences, and it really can be so hard. No my son isn’t creating crafts or exploring the world more. He’s struggling to understand why there it’s nothing different in his days, why he can’t see the people he wants to like normal, why he can’t visit the zoo, play in the playground. He doesn’t understand the concept of people being sick or the chance or being sick.

One of the recent things that have got me as a mum is the “chocolate challenge”. (For anyone who hasn’t seen it, you leave a child with a bowl of chocolate or sweets and tell them not to eat them till you’re back, and leave your phone filming them to see what they do. ) I see children the same age happily understanding what is asked of them and choosing not to eat the sweets. But I know that there is no way my son would understand the instructions enough to follow them. He still has very minimal concept of time and delays in time. He will use the word tomorrow, but then expects it five minute later. Life is still very much in the immediate.

It feels strange to be celebrating my son at 3 and a half finally trying to sing a nursery rhyme. My eighteen month old is almost at the same stage. Where there should be a two year gap, much of the time it feels a lot lot less. But then I stop and remember that other parents would be happy if their child was even halfway to this point. And then I tell myself to stop comparing. But it’s never that simple. You do keep comparing even though you try not to, because society pushes us that way.

This is a journey. Parenting is a journey, but boy it’s out tough at times.

Asking for help is totally ok!

Yesterday evening I read the sad news that Caroline Flack, a 40 year old TV presenter has taken her own life. While she made mistakes in life, the press and society seemed to make more out of her troubles than try to help her. And how many of us read the stories or saw the pictures of her falling around drunk?

But more than this…. why as society do we make it so hard for people to ask for help? She should have had everything to live for, but she also obviously felt like it wasn’t enough. It’s so hard to hold your hands up and say you struggle. I know that from personal experience. No, today I’m not suicidal, but 24 years ago I was. I was at that lowest point. And I didn’t know that I could ask for help. Society didn’t talk about mental health. In fact I was made to feel ashamed about taking an overdose. I was made to feel like I was the problem. It took another 20 years to be cold enough to start talking about my battles with anxiety and depression.

Being there at the lowest point, feeling like you have no other option, is a dark lonely isolated place. Unless you’ve been there it is hard to understand. People look at the life you project outwardly, and assume that that is the whole picture. They love the rose tinted perspective they see. Today it’s like the social media portrayal that people put out. Only show the best and the positive or the humorous bits.

But life isn’t like that in reality. Really isn’t black and white. It’s blue, green, pink, grey, yellow and many more colours. And while for you, yellow might be positive, for the person next to you it might be negative. Rather than assuming that they see what you see, take the time to stop and to smile and to ask how they are and what they see! Those words our actions might be the thing that changes their day from a negative to a positive!

And if today you’re the person who is feeling that the world is black, hard and pointless, then please also remember you are not alone and there are people to help. Life is a hard road to travel, but there are some amazing highlights even on the darkest days.

The fear of the scales

This contraption has been the cause of some of my biggest problems since giving birth. It has caused me panic attacks, it has caused tears, it makes a fear bubble up inside me every time I have to get her weighed.

I know that the fear stems from the first few weeks of her life, when every time she hadn’t gained weight they would be sending us back to hospital. But it has left a deep rooted fear that I will be judged and comments will be made if at any point she drops off her weight curve. Things like get bringing up more milk than normal after feeds because she’s full of mucous from a cold or she’s been gumming lots and creating acidic saliva make me worry. I dread the times when we have to put her on the scales.

As I’ve said before, my health visitor is amazingly supportive, and she’ll come to the house to do the weighing, rather than getting me to go to tbe clinic, where I’ve had meltdowns because I’m panicking. But I still have to get her and her brother weighed every time we see the dietician.

There is no easy fix at the moment, and like all my other anxieties it’s made worse by tbe post natal depression, but it doesn’t take the fear away. Like everything else, it’s another fear I have to overcome, and each of them is a baby step.

Food aversions….another thing to juggle,and small steps are big achievements

I’ve talked a lot about the challenges involved with a child multiple allergies.  We are still very grateful that so far almost all are gut reactions, and there is only one that is looking like an IGE reaction. But we are still at a place where our little boy only has 25 foods that we know are safe. But in the last 4-6 months we’ve encountered a whole new game….. food aversion! 

Food aversion is different to being a picky eater.  It’s refusing to eat whole food groups or refusing to eat any food apart from very specific foods.  In our case it started as a refusal to eat anything that required chewing after a period of being ill.  It then also embraced refusing most vegetables and only wanting Ham and cucumber! Tough enough for a child with a varied diet, but trickier with such a limited diet.  

I must admit I am very grateful for our very supportive and understanding dietician.She talked through some good basic ground rules, and gave us some helpful literature. Learning not to make food a battle from early on has been really important. We’ve learnt to give him some closed choices on what he can eat. We’ve made eating about family time sitting together, and we’ve made it fun. But it is hard when you have a child refusing to eat. Even more so when you know every 6 months a health professional is checking his height and weight to make sure it’s all on target (whatever target means??? ) 

We became more reliant on the prescription formula,which still accounts for up to half of his daily calories. We’ve delayed taking a bottle away,as we know he needs to take the formula,even though we know for dental development we need to be moving away from a bottle. We’re having to choose our battles. 
In the last couple of months,and more so the last couple of weeks, we’re seeing big steps forward. New textures aren’t being rejected! We’ve successfully managed to introduce some new snacks that he will not only try, but devour! Things that just mean we can buy a few more things rather than have to make them from scratch! These for us are huge leaps forward! I never knew a little boy’s willingness to eat a pom bear would make me so happy!! 

I hate GCSEs just as much as a parent!

This image really sums up how the GCSEs my eldest is sitting this summer seem. I hated GCSEs the first time around when I had to sit them. It definitely wasn’t a time I look back on with happy memories. And now, as a parent of a teenager going through them, I hate them again.

It seems so unfair that my son’s year are having to be the guinea pigs for the new exams and syllabus for so many subjects. I know a year has to be, but for so many at once?!

I hate the pressure that is put on schools by different groups. Not just Government, but the academy group they are part of, the governing body, parents, the list goes on. I hate that this pressure is passed down on to all students. And I hate that they insist that all students have to learn and revise in the same way, even if it really doesn’t suit them, or they have additional needs that require a different way of working.

I also get frustrated that by standing up for my son and his needs, I’m labelled as a fussy and protective parent. But without too many emails, 3 meeting, 5 or 6 phone calls, he would never have got the support he is entitled to.

So I guess this is my rant about the frustrations on the older end of parenting. It’s hard work. It’s frustrating as a parent. It’s frustrating for the teenager. It’s a time of change and decision making that can affect life goals. I’m glad I’m not there again as a teen, and I hope I get it right as a parent. Roll on 2 months time!

The beautiful parenting bubble goes pop!

When you are planning a family you have your dreams, your ideals, your perfect scenario.

  • The perfect gap between children – I’d wanted 2 years between mine
  • The perfect family set up – 2.4 kids, nice home, be around to support your children as they grow
  • The perfect pregnancy – blooming for 9 months
  • The perfect labour –
  • When your child is born the perfect baby – follows routine, eats well, sleeps well, meets development stages full on
  • You go out each day doing all the perfect mummy things with a perfect outfit, make up and hair

Hmmmm…..the reality is miles away from this.

I will hold my hands up and say that my dreams, even the second time around, were up there. Maybe I should have known better. Maybe some of my memories from 15 years ago had faded and gathered a rose shaded tint over time. But also I know I was lucky the first time around, I had a baby that slept well, was healthy and incredibly placid as long as the milk came on time!

This time, I am holding my hands up and saying yes I have been struggling. My perfect bubble has definitely gone pop…in fact it was a very loud BANG!

3 hours of uninterrupted sleep is now a luxury. The few nights that have been longer than this we can now see have been more linked to when he’s been on antibiotics. An achievement at the moment is being out of bed in the morning and showered before my husband leaves for work….if I don’t do it then, then it won’t happen till he is home in the evening. Getting dressed in something that is clean and reasonably appropriate for the weather is about all I manage. If I’ve had a reasonable amount of sleep, then the hair dryer might get out, and I might find my way to putting make up on. But that is certainly not the normal routine. High days and holidays maybe!

I have struggled with almost weekly appointments at either the doctors or the hospital. Having a little boy who isn’t 100% most of the time is tiring. The money spent on hospital parking is just frustrating! Having to constantly explain again and again symptoms to doctors is exhausting, especially when they say that “babies this young don’t get recurrent infections like this”. Each week I have to also remember to order the next weeks supply of formula. I have a baby who is even more allergic to dairy than his older brother and his formula has to be prescribed. Its not like I can  just go and buy some formula when we get low, and more often than not the pharmacy have to order it in. I even had to justify why I needed twice as much, to cover us going away and the bank holidays!

I look at the house sometimes and just want to cry at all the jobs that need to be done. I hate that in the evenings I am snappy at my husband and teenager because I am so tired and just need some head space. Going to be at 9pm is not my ideal, honestly!

Yes this is the reality. I wouldn’t be without my baby for anything. I’ll even consider having another in the not too distant future (not the next 18 months, but not another 15 years!) The reality is I find day to day tough. Some days are better than others. Some days I actually don’t feel tired at all. Other days I feel like going back to bed at 9am.

This blog isn’t for sympathy. I guess it’s for a normal perspective for people who want to read it. It’s also my way of processing and dealing with the challenges, and maybe just showing the world that parenting isn’t this beautiful bubble the is painted in the media.

This morning on Good Morning Britain, there was a wonderful slot showing the reality of normal parenting (watch here) and my friend Laura reminded me that life as a parent can be a juggling act, and I only have to juggle 2 children!