This week marks another key point in my parenting journey. My maternity leave is coming to an end. I’m really not sure how i feel about it. Mixed emotions i think.
I adore my job. I’ve said this many times,and I’ll keep saying it. I love my job, the charity I work for, the work we do. It’s also what makes a huge difference to my mental health. But on the flip side,this means my daughter is growing older. She’s going to be going to a child minder. She’s now closer to a year than to birth. She’s been growing in the big wide world for almost as long as she was growing inside me.
I have loved my 9 months of being mummy and mum. I’ve loved watching my children grow. Watching my teenager flourish in his first year at college. Watching my toddler gain more independence. Watching my baby grow and learn.
Knowing i will not do this parenting journey again has made me even more aware of every milestone. Each new thing. Each change in appearance. Each ounce of weight gained. Every smile, every tear. I hate the thought of missing anything,but also know i need to step out of this safe bubble.
But this realisation has also been a bit overwhelming. It hit me hard, especially as it coincides with returning from a fabulous holiday this week, and a big change in weather. I’m trying to make sure I stop and refocus,but in reality at times that’s hard. So for now I’m focusing on things I can manage and control. Deep breaths and move a step forward.
I live every day feeling that I’m not good enough at the moment. My insecurities can be bad at the best of times, but at the moment they are huge. My insecurities trigger moments of jealousy, self doubt, feelings of neglect, of being over looked or left out.
People can say “Don’t be silly!” or “It’s all in your head!” but that doesn’t take away the feelings. The feelings are strong and are real. Some moments are worse than others. Seeing things posted on social media that you weren’t invited to, but would have loved to attend, seeing other friends getting together without you, hearing about plans made. This doesn’t mean how I’m feeling is right or justified, but it’s where I’m at.
When I say I have anxiety, it’s not just about practical things, it runs into feelings and emotions. It affects my self worth. It affects my self belief. And I hate it! I hate doubting my friendships, my relationships, my capabilities I hate feeling inside that I’m inferior. Some days it makes me want to just walk away from everything and live in a bubble with my family.
The triggers are varied and unpredictable, which doesn’t help others really. It can range from lack of sleep, to absolutely nothing I can pinpoint! And then it eats away. The damage it can do can be long term. I’ll often, when really struggling, choose to cut myself off from people, from the world. My head is saying ‘If people can’t be bothered with me, then I won’t bother with them so they can’t hurt me!’ But on the flip side my heart is screaming ‘Please let me know you value me, you want me in your life!’
Little things can make a huge difference. But also no one should feel that they have to acknowledge. I never truly appreciated the value of the words “thank you” till my insecurities and anxieties took over. Someone acknowledging you and saying hello, or checking in can make such a difference.
I know over time these insecurities will fade and be less of a struggle. But these struggles are real and they are a battle. They can be exhausting!
This image says a lot. It says how it feels to be the mum of a 5 month old baby with 6 known allergens, without even starting on food. The outline at the end highlights how I feel about introducing food to my baby. It honestly terrifies me!
But what this image doesn’t show is some of the isolation that comes as part of the allergies. Picnics in the park are only going to be possible on days when the pollen count is low, and even then I will be armed with antihistamine plus other bits we use to help keep the pollen at bay. If I don’t, then I will have a very uncomfortable little boy, with scratch marks all over his face as he scratches in response to the pollen irritating his skin, his eyes and his head. Even sitting in our own garden, which soon will have no plants or real grass in it, can cause reactions and we don’t know what to. It’s isolating as it is hard for us to leave him to go out. At the moment the allergens are so unknown leaving him with someone else is hard.
The isolation from conversations I can’t join in because “weaning” is going to be a very different process for us. All foods have to be introduced for a skin reaction and then an internal reaction before a spoonful can be tried.
Having to avoid key ingredients in food for the foreseeable future adds the problem of where we can go and eat. Using jars and pouches of preprepared baby food are not an option. Everything will have to be homemade until we have established what foods are also allergens.
Some people have made comments where you can see they don’t understand the implications. Yes a small amount of dairy can make my baby really ill. His contact reactions to some products like fabric conditioner are so severe the GP did an urgent allergy clinic referral. If he doesn’t have regular antihistamine when the pollen count is high then he struggles to breathe at night.
I’ve been told that his allergies are “inconvenient”. Yes they are….for him! They will be as he grows older too if he doesn’t outgrow them. Being allergic to sorbitol is probably one of the most “inconvenient”. Having to read the back of everything you buy to check the ingredients. It’s not a key allergen so it isn’t in bold like dairy or gluten products. It also occurs in things you wouldn’t realise, including toothpaste and shower gel!
It’s inconvenient that I can’t just pick things up from the shelves like every other parent. It’s inconvenient that I have to pay 2 to 3 times as much for products I have to buy – £5 for a tube of toothpaste! It’s inconvenient that I will spend an extra half hour or so on each shopping trip reading ingredients. It’s inconvenient that I have no quick wins on the first stages of eating. It’s inconvenient to have to go to various clinic appointments at the hospital as we try to understand all of the allergies and how best to treat them. So yes it is inconvenient for my baby and for me. Am I going to apologise if he is going to react to what someone else has on their clothes, or if I “over react” to him coming in to contact with a new substance or a known allergen…? No, I’m not. I will keep protecting him because I also see the consequences.
So yes it can be isolating. It is incredibly hard work to juggle at times. But it is who my baby is and I just have to deal with it daily.