One of the things I am really struggling with at the moment is every time someone tells me that my little girl is growing up. I know that she will be my last baby, and so in someways I want to make all of this time last as long as possible.
In 2 days time she will be 7 months old. That is more than half of her first year gone, and I feel at times like I have missed so much of the first few months. I am constantly trying to capture in my mind and my heart each moment, as I know I can never have them again. While I am celebrating her moving on in her development, part of me keeps feeling ‘Not yet’! Part of me isn’t ready yet for her to start being mobile, becoming more independent, needing me less.
And I know that some of this is a long long way off.
My toddler still needs me daily. My teenager needs me – but not as much as it feels like I need him. And my daughter needs me. I know she does. But I also know that she doesn’t always miss me like I miss her. I know that none of my children do.
My husband and I joke about my behaviour when I am apart from my teenage son for any period of time. I feel like I have lost an arm or a leg. I find it really hard. I struggle with letting go, as I can still remember holding him in my arms nearly 18 years ago, and realising that this small person was suddenly totally dependent on me.
I struggle with how willingly my toddler runs off to his childminder – and only because she is so amazing at what she does, and he absolutely adores going. But I struggle because it is a time in his week when I am not needed.
At the moment I am struggling with the idea of returning to work. I love my job. I have really enjoyed my Keeping In Touch days. I adored the day I had back in the office a couple of weeks ago. I love my colleagues. I love what we do. But I am struggling with the idea of not being there for my daughter all day every day. It’s irrational, I know. I know she will be having an amazing time with our wonderful friend and childminder. I know I can touch base whenever I need to. But I am struggling.
What I have realised is that I am human, I am normal. I am not superwoman. I am allowed to feel like this. Loving my children is the hardest but the easiest thing to do, and each stage require me to let go a little bit more.
The last 3 months has certainly been a busy season in our lives. It’s been a time of lots of firsts and lots of lasts!
As a parent it was my first time of feeling totally helpless during the long wait from exams to results day. There was nothing I could do to impact or change the results. I just had to wait.
I witnessed my son complete his last day at secondary school. It was a day of pride, when he was recognised for what he had done outside of lessons to help others through sport; a day of closing a door on a huge chapter of parenting my eldest as he moved on to his next journey. It was also the start of a process of letting go as a parent.
We then moved into a period of the toddler really changing in his development…. walking finally arrived, as did running, tripping, and a huge determination to do it for himself. New words are spilling out daily, which come with frustrations for us all. We hit one of those “leaps” which resulted in a lack of sleep. Oh and then we all had to deal with a heatwave!
Holidaying with a toddler and a teen was a new challenge. The teen missed lie ins, because the toddler didn’t do them, and noise travels freely in a tent. But they also spent special tunes together as brother’s – especially on the water slide in the pool and the rides as the local theme park! I loved watching them bond and enjoy the time together. It’s amazing to watch.
We then did the first of results day. I discovered that I was more emotional about the results than my son! But that actually we were both in a state of tension. We also did some good talking that day and week and I felt things shift to the next level, where he takes even more responsibility.
Whatever age your child, it’s hard to let go as they take the next steps. Letting go of my toddlers hands physically so that he can walk on his own, or metaphorically letting go on my teenagers hands as he walked into college on his own to enrol. The worrying doesn’t go. It just changes. With one I worry he’s going to fall or step off something not realising there is a drop, with the other I worry about bigger life choices.
It’s been a summer of change, but good change and essential change. This is a period of change for us all as a family, but the one thing I know is that none of us are doing any of it alone.
I’ve been spending some time recently liking back over photos of when my eldest was a lot younger. The photos of the day he was born, his first nativity, starting school, learning to ride a bike. The list goes on.
At times it feels like I’m looking back on someone else’s life. My life as an individual and as a parent has changed so much since they were taken. The wonderful world of timehop also reminds me of moments. Recently it’s reminded me of the day my eldest son was seriously ill, and how the support of amazing family and friends got us through. Its reminded me of when he broke his top jaw at school and how we’re still fixing the mess now, 7 years later! But it’s also reminded me of other big milestones….. concerts he sung in, being enrolled as a Beaver Scout, scoring for his basketball team.
I’ve seen memories of friendships that still last today, and of others that might not be the same anymore but are great treasured memories. I’ve seen images that remind me of all the milestones. All have made me smile.
Importantly, this has all reminded me about the importance of continuing to make more memories. Not just with my teenage son or just with the toddler, but with them both. Together and separately, that time is important and can’t be got back. Its also important for us to value our family time and not lose it in busyness and technology. One day in the not too distant future my teenager will be an adult and will be making his own life away from us. So i will keep cherishing the moments with him as i know those are going to be more and more limited.
Children spell love… T-I-M-E.” – Dr. A. Witham