A start of a long journey

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Today was an interesting day. It was a day where we started to get some answers, but at the same time threw up a million more questions. It’s also been a day that has, for me, thrown up lots of different emotions, which I am still processing.

So today it was confirmed that our fabulous 3 year old boy has significant developmental delays. And keeping in with the honesty of my blogging about parenting over the last three years, I am going to keep sharing in here as we navigate the next few days, weeks, months and now we know years. For me one of the key things that people should take away from this is that our son is our beautiful, loving, caring son who brings us  so much joy. Also these posts won’t be for sympathy or pity but they are my way of processing, plus hopefully something I write might help and inspire other parents on a similar journey.

So where are we at…..

Today the tests showed that our son is 12-18 months delayed in most areas of his development, although one area he is 24 months delayed. This means we have a very frustrated little boy at times, who wants to be able to do the same as his friends, but finds it hard or at times impossible. Today also was a reality check in that there is no quick fix. There are various therapies that can support different parts of his development, but this isn’t going to be a case of a bit of treatment and he will be achieving the goals for a child of 3 years and 2 months. Some therapies will have a bigger impact than others. Some things that are tried may not make any difference.

Do we know the cause?

In a quick answer….No. But there are some suspicions or theories that need to be investigated and will be looked into over the coming months. We do know that my placenta failed before he was born and that the impact of this would not be known until he started (or failed) to reach milestones. But nothing can be confirmed or eliminated as a cause. It might be one of those permanently unanswered questions in life!

Whats next?

Appointments, appointments and more appointments! Juggling work, life, parenting and appointments is going to be my new challenge. But it will all work out. Making sure our daughter gets the time she needs too will also be key. We will just have to switch priorities if needed.

If you’ve got this far, then thank you. If you’ve got questions, ask, and we’ll answer if we can. And just keep being normal with us! He is our amazing boy and we will help him be the best he can be at being him!

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The end of a journey

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Over the last couple of weeks, my husband and I had agreed that we would  start to wean our daughter off of breastfeeding and on to formula. It came with a real mix of feelings for me. Sadness in someways as I have enjoyed the closeness and knowledge that I was her main provider, but on the other side there was a huge feeling of relief. It was so hard to actually make a decision, because society has so many feelings about what you should or shouldn’t do.

For us there was the added complexity of her milk allergy, exacerbated by her starting to react to her dairy free formula. So another GP appointment, and another formula, and we could start the process again. But for 5 days I was doing every feed, and what I realised very quickly was that I was exhausted and struggling. I missed being able to do bedtime with our son, because I was having to feed our daughter, rather than my husband giving her a bottle. I was struggling in the morning, as a time where I had normally caught up on sleep, while my husband did the first feed and took both children disappeared.

And then on top I had the mum guilt. I felt guilty cos I was resenting having to feed her all the time. I felt guilty because I couldn’t do things with my son because I was feeding, and when I wasn’t feeding I was too tired to do much. I felt guilty as a wife, because I was so worn out by it all. It was a huge battle I was having internally.

Making the decision to swap to solely formula feeding, was, in the end, and easy one. I knew I couldn’t keep going feeling so tired out by it all. I needed to be able to share the load. I need to be able to say yes to an invite from a friend if I want to go out. I need to find time and space to be me, Rachel, rather than spend my whole time being “mum” or “mummy”.

I have to say, I couldn’t have done the feeding journey I have been on without the never ending support of my online mummy friends. The two dozen or so women who have supported me through the middle of the night endless feeds courtesy of WhatsApp. The ladies on our facebook group that have encouraged me when I was having the bad days. And today, when I shared that I was at the end of the journey, they just loved and supported me some more.

For me, to reach 22 weeks of breastfeeding, is a milestone I never thought I would achieve. In the early days I was under so much pressure from medical professionals to switch to solely formula feeding, and then since then there has been pressure from some friends and family to stop breastfeeding as they think it was invading in to life too much and not what they saw as “normal” as it wasn’t what they had done, to pressure from people to go to solely breastfeeding as “breast is best”. I’ve always known that I was going to have to increase bottle feeds as I couldn’t express the milk needed to do a day or a night without me there, and with returning to work, and settling in with the childminder, it was something I was anticipating.

For me, fed has always been the best option. My eldest was bottle fed from 10 days old. My second was given his first feed by cup, he had 12 hours of tube feeding, 8 weeks of breastfeeding, and then switched to formula. So all very different journeys. Ending the breastfeeding journey now is what is right and best for me, my daughter, my sons and my husband. Because, more than anything else it is what is right for my mental health right not. My journey is not going to be right for everyone, and I know people will have their opinions, but I am going to try not to care. I know my family are going to be happier and that is my priority.

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