Am I getting it right?
Is my baby growing ok?
Is he developing at the right rate?
Is he sleeping too much? Not enough? Is he feeding enough?
So many questions are constantly running round in my head at the moment. I never thought I’d be an anxious parent, but this time around I am anxious. Last time I was incredibly laid back. I took each day and each development step as it came. Now I’m constantly wanting to know if I’m doing it right.
As one friend very helpfully said, looking at the pregnancy I’ve had and the end of pregnancy being very stressful, plus the first few days of my boy’s life were not plain sailing so it’s not surprising! I need to take the pressure off myself. Also what my mummy friends and I have noticed is that the professionals that we have regular contact with can be very picky. We celebrate the gaining of 2 or 3 ounces of weight. They are concerned because they aren’t tracking against the weight chart line in the way they “should be”. In our house today we celebrated getting to 6 pounds! The professionals want him back on a line on a chart! I know they are doing their job, and I know if they missed something important I’d be holding them to account, but maybe they need to learn to deliver their thoughts/advice in a more supportive way?
Like any parent I am, and always will be, fiercely protective of my boy’s. I not only want what’s best for them, I want everyone else to want what’s best for them and to help them on their journey of life. I also feel like I’m having to prove something. To myself, to the world. Proving I can do having a baby again after 15 years. I know that’s another pressure I’m putting on myself that is unnecessary. I know I need to stop doing it, but that is hard. I know a lot of this comes from my insecurities and no one can fix this but me believing in myself. I will get there.
I love being a mum to both my boys. They give be such joy. I wouldn’t swap the role of being a mum for anything, I just need to step back sometimes and be less hard on myself!