The look of peace

Today I had one of those treasured special moments, that after 14 months is already becoming less of an occurrence. In fact this was the first time it had happened in a few weeks. My little boy curled up in my lap and fell asleep. I loved just watching the look of peace wash over his face as he dropped into a deeper sleep. It seemed a long way from the little boy who 30 minutes earlier had been emptying the bookcase at a rate of knots to find his favourite lift-the-flap book!

It was so calming to watch too. For a few moments i just treasured the peace. The calm. The quiet. Not times that regularly occur with our delightful, lively little boy. It surprised me at how much I had missed those snuggly moments of a newborn sleeping on me.

The flip side to this is actually I cherish the moments that he is asleep in his cot. It took several weeks of perseverance and feeling like it was never going to happen before we got him sleeping in the cot, and then longer till he would fall asleep in the cot. I knew we needed that to happen, for my sanity and for our life as a couple and our time with our older son. Looking back, now, I know some of it we bred ourselves. It came from a place of love, of exhaustion, and of wanting to protect our fragile tiny baby, who had had so many challenges put in his way, that we didn’t want to add another. A sleeping baby means I can have an hour (or 2 if i’m lucky) where I can have some me time, catch up on work, do some housework. It means I can recharge my batteries for the next stage of the day.

I find the constant need to be entertained draining. I adore my sons, but I am so very aware about how much space and time I need for me. These days it often means going to be before 9.30pm, just so I can curl up with my book for more than a page before I fall asleep. I know my time for knitting will return in time, and that I also wouldn’t change where I am in life for a moment. My writing is my space to express, and to be me. So here you go. Peace!


Small steps

Life is made up of small pleasures. Happiness is made up of those tiny successes. The big ones come too infrequently. And if you don’t collect all these tiny successes, the big ones don’t really mean anything.

This is so true in where I am at in my parenting journey at the moment. With both of my boys.
With my eldest we are celebrating the small successes being made as we approach GCSEs, and ticking off little milestones as we work towards the big milestone. I say we, because this really is a family effort. He might do the studying and the writing of the exams, but we are doing this together. Our plans are structured to support him and encourage him through each stage.
At the end of this stage we will be moving on to the next big stage. Some big steps have happened… interview, course place offer….and acceptance, mock exams done, big coursework assessments done. All steps that need to be completed, and all that need to be embraced and celebrated in different ways.
With my youngest we’ve been celebrating some of the small successes that are helping him to achieve the normal milestones, that all parents celebrate. After finally getting a physio assessment, we’ve got shoes. Earlier than normally recommended, and against everything I’d been told, but essential in the first steps to help sort his feet and legs. Currently his feet – mainly one but the other is also a problem – turn inwards and under. This has affected his ability to walk. His mind was very definitely willing, but his body didn’t follow.
In the 5 days since having his new boots, his confidence in balance, standing, and walking with a walker or furniture or our fingers has leaped ahead. The look of determination on his face as he takes each step is amazing to see. The smiles and laughs as he reaches his destination quicker each time are fabulous to capture. I want to shout and scream with excitement and let everyone know about each small step, as it is such an achievement. I know some of this is normal for any parent, and so I hold back too.
What I am remembering is that at any age achievements need to be celebrated for each child. Each child is unique and they will achieve at the age and pace that is right for them. Yes there are times that help is needed because something isn’t working properly etc, but that is also ok and good. I am a proud mum, and I’m not sorry for that. I am my boys biggest champion in the world, and I always will be.

Enjoying memories

I’ve been spending some time recently liking back over photos of when my eldest was a lot younger. The photos of the day he was born, his first nativity, starting school, learning to ride a bike. The list goes on.

At times it feels like I’m looking back on someone else’s life. My life as an individual and as a parent has changed so much since they were taken. The wonderful world of timehop also reminds me of moments. Recently it’s reminded me of the day my eldest son was seriously ill, and how the support of amazing family and friends got us through. Its reminded me of when he broke his top jaw at school and how we’re still fixing the mess now, 7 years later! But it’s also reminded me of other big milestones….. concerts he sung in, being enrolled as a Beaver Scout, scoring for his basketball team.

I’ve seen memories of friendships that still last today, and of others that might not be the same anymore but are great treasured memories. I’ve seen images that remind me of all the milestones. All have made me smile.

Importantly, this has all reminded me about the importance of continuing to make more memories. Not just with my teenage son or just with the toddler, but with them both. Together and separately, that time is important and can’t be got back. Its also important for us to value our family time and not lose it in busyness and technology. One day in the not too distant future my teenager will be an adult and will be making his own life away from us. So i will keep cherishing the moments with him as i know those are going to be more and more limited.

Children spell love… T-I-M-E.” – Dr. A. Witham

Parenting guilt

One thing I’ve realised the second time around is the amount of guilt I carry as a parent. It isn’t across 1 specific area, in fact it’s across all areas and with both boys!! I feel guilty that I need to work. Not for the money so much, but for me, for my sanity! I then feel guilty that I am enjoying my work and my time away from being mum. I even don’t have a problem with doing extra hours, until I feel guilty that I’m not at home being mum.

I feel guilty that my husband has been so amazing at getting up in the night, as we have discovered that not getting enough sleep is causing me to have more migraines. I feel guilty if I go out in the evening and then the baby decides that is the evening to not sleep, so my husband gets no peace.

But I also feel guilty when I am at home spending time with the baby. I feel bad because all it seems I am doing is playing. I’m having fun…..exhausting fun, but fun. I feel guilty that the baby takes the attention away from the teenager, and guilty that the teenager takes the attention away from the baby.

I know, as I’ve said before, that I am an anxious parent. I know because of this I constantly seek affirmation and reassurance that I’m doing the right thing. I am the kind of person that thinks if I have inadvertently offended someone they will hold on to it and hold it against me for weeks. Or if i’ve forgotten something it will be catastrophic and I won’t be able to move on. I know all this about myself and know it affects my guilt too.

I think I also know there is no perfect work life balance. I will spending life knowing i’m not always getting it right. I just need to learn to accept that I am a normal person, who will make mistakes.  My boys love me, I know that. I just have to relax and accept that I can only be the best I can be, and that that is enough

“There will be so many times you feel like you’ve failed.  But in the eyes, heart, and mind of your child you are a super mom.” ~Stephanie Precourt, Listen to your Mother

Goodbye to Facebook

So this might seem like an extreme post, and it might seem odd that I am sharing this on Facebook, but I wanted to share my thoughts and how I have got to this place, and not just disappear.

Over the Christmas period I chose to remove myself from Facebook. It was starting to take up too much of my life, and I was getting to tied up in a virtual world and was starting to feel judged and assessed by that world. In this period I can honestly say I haven’t really missed it. What I have felt is a freedom from the perception of what the world thinks of who I should or shouldn’t be. Of what I should or shouldn’t share, and of what kind of person I want to be.

Don’t get me wrong, there are some groups I am part of that have been a great support to me, and I may choose to continue to interact with them at different points. But what  I have realised is that I don’t need to share parts of my life on Facebook for value and worth. I, like many, will only post the parts of life which I want the world to see. But that isn’t healthy or constructive. It has meant that I am not being true to myself.

The other thing I have noticed, is that many people think that what you post on social media is you life, and that by reading your posts, they don’t need to interact with you on a personal level. Friendships are becoming warped. People think they are your friend because of what they see online. I’ve learnt that my true friends are those who are around me at the times when life gets tough. That doesn’t mean they all live 5 minutes away….in fact some of our closest friends live many many miles away. But they are the ones who take time to get in touch, and check that all is ok.

Also when I was pregnant, we made a decision that  we did not want our baby growing up thinking that a presence all over social media was the norm, or what was expected of him. We wanted him to decide his own privacy boundaries and to choose what of his life he wants to share. We also have made a decision for him not to expect to watch TV or spend his life in front of screens. In fact, the only programmes he watches regularly (by this I mean a couple of times a week) are Fireman Sam and Thomas the Tank Engine. Watching him grow through his creative play and his imagination is so rewarding… TV at home!

Note: This isn’t us judging anyone else, it is just how we have chosen to raise our son.

So I have decided in light of all of this to take a permanent step away from Facebook. Yes I  will still use other social media channels at times. I will still have an account as I need it for work. I will still visit the site (yes the site, not the app) occasionally. But I won’t be on here day in day out. I won’t be aware of notifications, as my phone won’t beep or stick an icon in the corner.I will still blog from time to time, which will be shared. I can still be contacted on Messenger, and all manner of old fashioned means of communications! Just don’t expect me to hear your latest news on FB or expect to hear what I am up to, as it won’t be happening. Do keep in touch……I love receiving letters in the post!! (An emails work well too!)

Birthday first, then Christmas

Having a birthday 6 weeks before Christmas was always interesting growing up. You need to think of ideas for presents for both, and then you have to think of things you might want in the summer. And then you have to wait 44 weeks till one or the other comes round again.

So having a child with a birthday 1 week before Christmas brings even more challenges. One thing we were clear on from the moment that we knew it would be a “Christmas Baby” was that the birthday was always going to be celebrated in it’s own right. No it wasn’t going to be ok for joint presents, and actually just because 1 is close to the other doesn’t mean that it gets treated any differently. Everyone who needs to think about it has 365 days to prepare for the fact that there will be a birthday close to Christmas.

Yes we will still decorate the house for the 1st December. That is a family tradition that we will keep, but this year the presents won’t be under the tree until after the birthday (if not after the baby has gone to bed on 24th!!!) Additionally we will keep a separate space for birthday cards, where we normally display them, and Christmas Cards won’t be put up on display till after the birthday. Our son didn’t ask to have his birthday a week before Christmas, and he has the right to be valued as much as every other individual in the family. There will be (foil) balloons and birthday banners up as we do for any other birthday.

For us it is a simple act of respect. I know we are not the only parent’s of a child with a December or January birthday that feel this about making sure they are both marked separately. In fact I also know adults for whom it is also as important for their birthday. They are right to expect to have their birthday recognised in the same way as others get their birthday marked. Celebrating the birth of the child is as important as celebrating the birth of Jesus, and neither is there to outshadow the other.

September starts

I’m not a parenting expert. In fact, I’m not sure that I even believe in the idea of ‘parenting experts.’ I’m an engaged, imperfect parent and a passionate researcher. I’m an experienced mapmaker and a stumbling traveler. Like many of you, parenting is by far my boldest and most daring adventure.
Brene Brown

Like many families September signaled the end of a very busy summer holidays, and back for the final year of school for my eldest son. That for me was a big moment emotionally. Being aware that we are entering a new final phase of this stage of his education and having to make decisions together about the next steps.

But this September also signaled a new routine for me and our younger son on several levels. We have started a couple of new activities in our weekly diary. We have moved to a new swimming class and we both love going for both the social time and the skills it is giving him. Just spending time with him enjoying the water and knowing that he is unlikely to have any reactions while we are there is a huge relief and so I relax. We have also started a Sing and Sign class, which looks at baby signing while doing lots of singing – which he loves. I am really wary about joining classes as it is so hard to find an environment where he is safe and away from his many allergens. But I was so encouraged to go to a space that was clear of allergens and in a place where they understand the potential implications of him coming in to contact with an allergen.

Finally I am now back working part-time. This was a big step for me to take, as I knew it would mean leaving the baby with someone else for part of the week. I know for most parents this is a big thing, and for us it was coupled with finding child care that could cope with our son’s health needs. He has multiple allergies. Currently he only has 17 foods he can eat safely after 4.5 months of introducing foods! I was lucky enough to know a lovely friend who also child minds, and she had space for 1 day a week. With support from my in-laws for another afternoon, most of my hours are covered, and the rest work round my life. The job is the perfect option for me, my husband and our sons. It gives me the flexibility needed for the many hospital appointments I have to go to with the baby, and it gives me the input and stimulation I need for me as a woman who has always loved her career in fundraising.

But leaving my baby for 18 hours in a week is a big thing for me, after 3 weeks it still is. I constantly wonder if what I am doing is the right thing. Is being at work the best thing for me? for my sons? for my relationship? I know it is the right thing. It has given me back a different perspective on life I was missing. It has given me space to breathe and be me. Just me. Not wife or mum. Just me. It has also helped me value my time at home even more. Some days are hard. I am terrified that my baby will reach a milestone while not at home with me. I am worried that my teenager will need my support with school difficulties while I am at the office. I worry, cos part of that is who I am. I know socially it is doing amazing things for my son, and both my in laws and friend who is a childminder totally have his best interests at heart and give him the best care possible, but I am still am mum and will worry. It’s ok to worry. It’s normal.